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I am depressed. Not the "I just feel sad right now" kind, but the kind where, if I went to a doctor, they'd give me pills and watch me really carefully. I am hanging on by a thread. I work really hard every day to keep myself just happy enough that I don't think about what would happen if I just ceased to exist. I hate everything about my life. Even my upcoming trip to London just seems like another thing I have to do, not because I want to, but because I committed to it, and I'd piss off a lot of people if I backed out now. My parents' divorce, which I had been eagerly awaiting for a really long time, hasn't made things better: my dad is still an inconsiderate, cold, heartless asshole, and my mom is still miserable and grouchy. I live in an apartment where the walls are as thin as paper, and my idiot illegal-immigrant neighbors, no matter how many times various people call the police on them, still insist on blasting their music at all hours of the day and night. I don't sleep well. Ever. I don't eat much most of the time, and when I do eat, its so much that I feel sick afterward. The love of my life, the man I gave all of myself to, wants nothing to do with me, and looks at me as though I am the most repulsive thing he has ever seen. My job, which I used to enjoy so much, makes me absolutely miserable. School just seems worthless. All of my "friends" seem to have forgotten that I exist, and no one seems to give a crap that they haven't heard from me in weeks. I got sick of always being the one to call, so I stopped. My phone never rings. I don't know why I have the damn thing anymore, I barely ever use it.
I think the only reason I don't off myself is that I'm a wuss. I hate pain so much that even though death would make the pain go away, the process of dying would be more pain than I can handle. So, I'm not going to kill myself. I'm not even going to try. But I doubt I'd complain if I got hit and killed by a car, or if my plane went up in flames.
I love you, Stephen. I wish you knew how much. I wish that I could take back all the things I did wrong, and start over with you. I know that we are meant to be together, and I know that its my fault we're not. But my lord, I love you. More than I could possibly explain, and it breaks my heart to even think about you. Unfortunately, thinking about you is all I seem to do these days. Everything reminds me of you, and I can't go a single day without breaking down over one thing or another.
So here I am, on New Years. I have a broken family, no friends, and a shattered heart. I don't feel like life is worth living, but somehow, I still get up every morning and try. I've lost all of my faith, in everything. I feel like my lot in life is to be miserable and alone. And now, I'm going to attempt to sleep, despite the ridiculous Mexican music blasting right outside my window, which is coincidentally right up against the head of my bed. And tomorrow, I'll wake up, and I'll do the whole sorry thing all over again.
Happy fucking New Years.
AND I get to move into Goucher early!
w00t!!!!!!!!!!!
- Mood:
ecstatic
I just spent the last 7 hours, minus 2 where i fell asleep (i'm exhausted, shut up) reading the 7th and final Harry Potter book. I won't spoil it for those of you who haven't read it yet. I cried many times. I am pleased with how the story wrapped up, and how everything fit together.
I'm crying now too. It's silly to be this attached to a book, but it makes me sad that there will be no new story. I'll never have to say "No! Go away, don't talk to me about HP, I haven't read it yet!"
Brava, J.K....and thanks.
- Mood:
exhausted, sad yet happy
- Location:my bed
- Mood:
annoyed - Music:Getting Married Today - Company soundtrack
- Mood:
bouncy
The Sondheim showcase is going fantastically well. I really hope Lizy and Arreon keep doing this, because its awesome. The performance is on Saturday (May 5) at 8pm. Contact me if you want to come. Its free, and there's free food.
Classes for next semester are going to rock so much, even though I'll probably die a little from all the work.
I'm officially addicted to ballroom dance. I love it so much! Plus, I got a boyfriend out of the deal, so that's extra points. He's kinda pretty awesome. Don't want to get too gushy yet, cuz its only been 2 weeks, but he's sweet. I find it amusing that I had to go ballroom dancing to find a straight boy. :-P.
Told my mom about my decision not to be religious. She took it rather well, and said that I'm old enough to make my own decisions, and this is entirely my choice. I was pleased.
Seeing Wicked in NY on July 1. SO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!
Pyratefest was absolutely incredible. Two of our favorite Pyrates showed up, instruments and all, and we had a fantastic song circle for a good few hours. I think they were a little shocked at how much we idolize them. Skivee and I worked out an arrangement of one of my favorite folk songs, the Fields of Athenry, and we recorded it on my computer. It sounds so cool! I don't recognize my own voice. And may I just say, that man is SO TALENTED! In 5 minutes, he had a lovely arrangement for a song he'd never played before! Or if he has played it, he hasn't done it in a while. Darcy sang us an awesome, much bawdy version of Bell Bottom'd Trousers that we all enjoyed thoroughly. All in all, it was a fan-friggin-tastic time. It also came just at the right moment. I was really starting to miss Faire, and this gave me a kick that should last me till August.
I'm proud to say that I am completely over Ian. I mean, there will always be a part of me that loves him, but I've finally come to the realization that he and I are just not meant to be. It hurt to realize that, but I feel much better now, and it made it much easier for me to move on. I still think about him often, but I'm sure that will also fade with time.
On a slightly more depressing note, my aunt is sick again. She is in remission from breast cancer, but she wasn't feeling well, so she went to the doctor, they ran a bajillion tests, and discovered that she has a really rare blood cancer that I can't even say, much less spell. I swear, she is so brave. I talked to her yesterday, and she's her normal perky self. If it was me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, I'd be such a mess.
And back to the happies, I'm going to be a model in an art school for a week this summer. They want to paint me in pirate and/or royal garb. How cool?!?
That's really all that's going on in my life right now. Rather boring, I know. Oh wait, there is something else! I am turning 19 in 17 days!!!
And now, back to the bottomless pit of papers and studying.
VERBUM SAP
- Location:dorm room
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:Donkey Riding - The Pyrates Royale
I really haven't posted in forever. Facebook has kind of taken over my life, along with school and other things. I'll try to be better about posting here, for the 2 people who actually read this.
First things first:
So I finally did what I should have done a long time ago. I called Ian, and I told him that he either needs to really be in my life, or he needs to not be in my life at all. What I meant was, essentially, you either be with me, or be out of my life, cuz I can't pretend to be okay with just occasional contact anymore. It hurts too much for him to be a casual acquaintance right now. He agreed, said he's not ready for a relationship right now, and that he'll call me when he is. We ended the conversation with "Until we meet again." I'm convinved that this isn't the end of things. G-d wouldn't have put me through all that shit with the conversion just to leave it like this.
On a lighter note: I can dance! And by dance, I mean, really dance, like with steps and stuff! Ballroom! And, I think I'm going to try to compete! I found a partner too, which is another story in and of itself:
His name is Matt. He's gorgeous, funny, nice, a really good dancer, and a great kisser. We decided that we're just "friends with beneftis" right now (even though that term makes me cringe) because that's really all we could ever be. Its just annoying, because I find myself liking him more and more the more time I spend with him, and there really is no possibility for a relationship, for a lot of reasons. He's a religious Catholic, I'm an Orthodox Jew. My heart still belongs to Ian, and a relationship right now would be really stupid. But, that doesn't stop me from liking him a LOT. I can't tell how he feels about me though. I mean, he's obviously a little bit attracted to me, or he wouldn't be kissing me so much. But still, I can't help feeling that maybe I like him more than he likes me.
What a mess.
I made my directorial debut over break. It was fantastic. The girls put on a really really really good show. I'm glad it's over though. Maybe now I'll actually get to sleep at night. Although, if I keep staying over at Matt's (yes, I'm still a virgin) I'll probably never get a full night's sleep again.
School is picking up, and I have to buckle down and make up all the work I didn't do while I was busting my butt on the play.
Brendan and I are going to try to revive the Pirate Club. He's going to give me a CD with some songs to learn. He said he thought I'd be the most willing to be loud and obnoxious. :) He knows me too well. And bribing me with song always works..
The Stephen Sondheim musical revue is picking up the pace as well. I hope that goes better than OCT's disaster last semester. I mean, we did an ok job for how unprofessional and disorganized we were. This seems to be much more professional and organized.
I think I've spewed enough for now. Plus, there's a very good-looking fellow standing here waiting for me to kiss him. :)
VERBUM SAP
- Location:Matt's apartment
- Mood: bouncy for springtime!
- Music:Too Darn Hot- Kiss Me Kate
they're stupid, arrogant, oblivious, egotistic bastards. and they know every way possible to make me feel absolutely worthless. whether its by simply not being attracted to me (which i guess is not entirely their fault, but still) or by being so absolutely wonderful that they cause me to fall completely in love with them, and then break my heart into a million tiny bits, simply by living their lives the way they should. and ok, so that second thing has only happened once, but it still hurts like a bloody motorcade ran over me 25 times. and the worst part is, as much as i'm mad at him, and as much as my heart keeps getting ripped into smaller and smaller pieces, i understand and support everything he's doing. i mean, he's doing what's right for him...how is that bad? it isnt! and the other one! he just has no clue. i'm trying so hard to get over one, and every time i meet another that i just might like, they turn out to not be attracted to me at all, or are totally oblivious!
what is it about me that runs guys off? am i that horrible a person? am i that unattractive? what the heck is it?
sometimes, like now (and really the last few months), i really envy the tin man. the absence of a heart would make life so much easier right now.
and other times, i really think its a good idea to be a lesbian.
problem is, i hate girls more than i hate men.
*cries*
- Mood:
angry, confused, and hurt
I hate this.
I miss him. Even though we talk, its not the same. I'm trying so hard to maintain this friendship, because I need him in my life in some capacity. It just doesn't seem like he's trying. Or maybe he doesn't want the friendship. I'm too afraid to ask. But if he didn't want it, then why did he say he did?
I'm uncomfortable in the dorm. I like living here, but the last 2 days have been absolute hell.
I hate the fact that I have to rely on medication to erase the fuzziness in my brain. Even more, I hate the fact that it doesn't seem to work so well anymore.
I hate this rash-type-thing that won't go away.
I hate that no matter how many friends I think I have, only 2 or 3 of them actually give a crap.
I hate that even though I'm not looking for a relationship, guys don't seem to find me attractive. A girl wants to feel like she's pretty to people other than herself, you know?
I hate having gone from being a big fish in a tiny pond to being a microscopic fish in a big frick-off ocean. Talk about an ego-bust.
I hate being too broke to afford things like bed-risers and shampoo. Not to mention clothes and nice things.
I hate that I question so much. I really want to be able to have unwavering faith. But its so hard.
Sometimes I wish I could drink or smoke the pain away. Then I remember that I don't like beer or liquor, and smoke makes me sick. I was so happy. Why can't the good things stay good at the same time as the bad things are getting better? Why can't I stay happy for more than a year? Why does life suck so darn much sometimes?
So much for having a happy semester.
G-d help me. Please.
- Location:dorm room
- Mood:
depressed - Music:the sounds of my breaking heart
crying, she tries to pick up the pieces of her broken heart.
- Mood: entirely brokenhearted
fuck everything. i just fucking want things to go fucking right for a change. i just fucking want to be fucking happy. why is that so fucking hard?!?
i just said fuck seven times, eight if you count this sentence.
fuck.
nine.
im fucking alone. on new years. why do i have no friends?
fuck. repeating.
FUCK
for those of you who don't read facebook, my boyfriend of 11 months broke up with me yesterday. Its a "break" while he figures himself out, having just converted to a religion that he wasn't born into only 4 days ago. We both have some growing to do, and we can't do it together.
I hope no one ever has to experience emotional pain so fierce that you feel it physically. My heart literally feels like its exploding.
i have no words
That's my baby!
- Location:my appartment
- Music:Big Spender-Sweet Charity
I Graduated! It was lots of fun, and there was at least 40 feet of Escalade limo goodness afterward.
I'm all set and registered for classes at Goucher.
Working at Starbucks is tiring. The place is always busy, but its fun and it pays well.
Not much else to say. Going to Ian's parents house in two weeks, and Canada with them in August.
VERBUM SAP
- Location:the Taylor's computer room
- Mood: cheerful
- Music:They Cant Take That Away From Me - Crazy for You
Graduation is tomorrow. Its kinda scary. I hope I get an award, just so that Dad doesn't yell at me for not getting one like he did at 8th grade graduation.
I went to slam last night for the first time in a while. I haven't written a poem in almost a year, but I think last night got my creative juices flowing again. It was full of happy.
I am now registered for classes for next semester. When I actually get to college, I'll post my schedule so y'all can come and visit me.
I also now have a facebook. I'm on there under Becki Turner (Goucher '10). Friend me!
Grandparents are coming tonight. YAY! They and my parents are splitting a computer (laptop) for me for a graduation gift. WOOT!
VERBUM SAP
- Location:school
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Crazy for this Girl - Evan and Jaron(dunno why it popped in)
